1. I don’t understand what’s happening with my friend

    I feel like a shitty friend. Maybe we were never as close as I thought we were. It makes me look back and wonder if I somehow prevented connection by assuming I already understood her.

     
  2. there’s this girl and I think I like her but it’s probably that she’s just nice to me.

    Also I have this friend, and sometimes I wonder about our relationship because it’s been so long since I’ve made new friends.

     
  3. 23:24 27th Sep 2014

    Notes: 2

    Reblogged from hamartiahubrisbathos

    Unsex me

    hamartiahubrisbathos:

    Divine soft lush layers of flesh coat

    my waxy marrow filled bones.

    They swoop in curving lines over the harsh sloping

    angles they sit upon.

    In the center, in the heat

    there is a sensation.

    Silenced.

    muted.

    neglected.

     
  4. on another note…

    at one of the events I barely stayed at tonight was a boy I met breifly a long time ago and he was cute and seeing him again he was still cute. I like his stature. Sigh I need someone to love. 

     
  5. I know when I think “I hate myself so much” before I drink another sip that something has gone wrong

    I really do like my friends but I suppose spending too much time with the same people drives me crazy. I hate how I keep inflicting anger at people who haven’t wronged me and haven’t changed their behaviour from ways I typically enjoy. I just have excess emotions that are flooding everywhere and I don’t know what to do with them. 

     
  6. All of a sudden I feel so sad and lonely. I guess it’s been a while since I felt this way which is good - but it’s really odd feeling like this again because there’s this residue. This icky feeling that this is a reminder of how I felt for months and years. I’m just so crushed. 

    I guess I realised I’m lonely because I only ever hang out with my room mates and they’re lovely and all but they have significant others who they would justifiably rather hang out with. And my best friends here from last year and summer I never see. One works too much and the other…just doesn’t have time for me anymore. It’s like I can never get her to see me for more than an hour and when I do it feels like too much space has passed for us to catch up. And tonight I realised I don’t really have a person anymore. 

    I’m so alone. And I have no school to do. No job. I barely leave my apartment. I’m bored and I have no purpose. I feel so hopeless and that life is so futile. Worst is the fact that these feelings are coming back because that makes me feel like I’ll never be able to shake these depressive thoughts. That I can never outrun my family history. And then I get into the loop of my family history and it’s damage on my ability to create and maintain relationships which scares me even more because all I want is to love someone powerfully and I think I’ll fuck it up. 

    Maybe I should get a cat or a dog. Something that will love me. I just want to be someone’s most important.

     
  7. I don’t usually mind too much that I’m single. There’s an occasional moment where I crave touch. Where I want to be held and comforted. 

    I have a hard time fully understanding relationships having always been single. Yes I had a fling, but it wasn’t something. I don’t understand the difference between a lover and a friend. What is it that makes it so different ? Why do you become inseparable ? I don’t understand the clinging to each other so powerfully. I see my friends with significant others and they cease to be whole without the other. 

     Living with two room mates with boyfriends is bizarre. Their boyfriends are always over and I’m always the 5th wheel. I suppose I don’t understand because I am single. There are so many questions I have about relationships that I can’t answer until I’m in one. 

    Sometimes it scares me that I’m so old and still single because people take relationships so seriously now. It’s not like middle school where you kissed and held hands and went home and lead the rest of your life. Now you take turns sleeping at each others houses and pack overnight bags and spend every waking hour together. 

     
  8. My dog died

    and my mom sent me pictures of my dead dog

     
  9. image: Download

    I have the silliest piece of lingerie but I don’t care because I got it and the bra I’m wearing (which is wireless !) for $80 less than this originally costs.

    I have the silliest piece of lingerie but I don’t care because I got it and the bra I’m wearing (which is wireless !) for $80 less than this originally costs.

     
  10. It’s wayy to late for me to be up

    but I’m so nervous about my training shift tomorrow.

     
  11. 1) they said they’d call back today. They close in an hour. 

    2) why do I choose friends that behave like mothers…nvm it’s b.c my mom was never really a mom. I want to be in therapy…

    3) I really need someone to pursue. I mean I’m interested in 2 boys…but I’m just not feeling boys right now. I’m starting to develop a crush on a girl but like it’s more one of those…I see you around and you’re always nice to me ones.

     
  12. i have an interview. I’m so nervous.

     
  13. I had a dream where that boy told me he didn’t really want to be in a relationship with the girl he’s seeing. How fucked up am I ? I also dreamt that the cheque I’ve been hunting down was deposited. Neither are true. Kind of glad the first is false though.

     
  14. At first I felt a little stung. I pretended I didn’t because I knew deep down I didn’t- and I was right because after about a day I was okay. But for that day I was not at all. I felt weird about it. Like it never had a proper conclusion - but I feel like that was for the best. Our disastrous goodbye with me drunk - kissing him so hard lamenting after him leaving. It was a little sickly. Months of processing the exchange. I believe in the end I concluded that he was right for all those firsts because he was respectful, experienced and refreshingly spontaneous. I was being weighed down by my depression and I needed excitement to make me feel alive. I didn’t like him. Not really as someone more than an acquaintance, never mind finding him romantically attractive or sexually attractive. The thought of either of those made me cringe. And that’s why I’m okay with him moving on- more than okay, happy.

    The only thing I’m sad about is now trying to find someone I’m romantically attracted to and sexually attracted to (if I even am sexually attracted to people.) The more I think about it the more I feel like I’m only romantically attracted to men and both romantically and sexually attracted (if am ? it’s more physical I think?)  to women. What does that say about my sexuality?

     
  15. image: Download