1. Surrender

    I saw my room mate from first year today. It took  an hour after the scheduled meeting time for us to find each other. We walked for about four hours in circles around downtown, sometimes not even paying attention to where we were going. We laughed about first year’s memories, gossiped about people we’d gotten out of touch with and confided in each other reflections about our past year. 

    She has this mystical feeling about her. The way she moves and possesses the very moment she lives in. She’s articulate, poetic, over dramatic and incredibly light all simultaneously. Very intelligent, genuine person. She told me the secret to it is just to say to yourself “surrender.” not to surrender, and sometimes you don’t know what your’e surrendering to, but just to think it. 

    We talked today about my sensation searching as I put it. She’d had a brief romance with him, as I was aware of. One drunken night she confessed to me she was in love with him. She told me tonight that she often throws that around too loosely. 

    In talking about him, I found myself feeling similar to how I used to feel about him prior to what had happened between us. It’s just a bad feeling in my gut. Something wrong that I can’t put my finger on. On the one hand I always made excuses for his overly touchy feely nature, but I never liked it back then. And then I got swept away in the novel experience of being kissed, of being found sexually attractive, in feeling a body against my own. And I liked it, and I liked the way his hands felt on my body-they no longer made me uncomfortable. I wanted to be wrapped up in it. 

    But today I was reminded of how I used to feel and with him absent it was hard for me not to revert back to that. How do I merge the two perceptions of him? As an almost lover and as an acquaintance? Is it wrong to still want to see him when I return ? Even if I feel so confused ?

    I just keep hearing my future room mate’s voice mockingly say “when he’s with someone he’s with them.” Her remarks on his less than normal polyamorous behaviour. With my old room mate’s story of him being heart broken about a girlfriend shortly after he’d seen me. The confirmation of the knowledge that he was probably seeing someone else was strange. I knew this was possible and probable during and am not  bothered by it, yet It’s strange to think of. He truly did devote his energy towards me when with me, but I’m fooled easily. Casual hooksups are a strange world I am investigating. 

    If you can sleep with one person why settle for less with another? My insecurities about my lack of experience show in this question. I find myself so locked in, it’s hard to just surrender. I can be easy going and follow along, but even then it’s as if I’m tightly wound and watching everyone else live in the moment.

  2. I don’t know what I want but I feel it pushing on everything inside me. I don’t know if it’s material goods, companionship, solitude, romance, sex. But I’m craving something strongly. Maybe I want stability, maybe all I want is bread. 

  3. I feel like I’m falling apart again

    My mom is slipping again. Alcohol, pills, god knows … But it’s something. I care so much about her but god it hurts me. I feel the wall around my heart building up and even that is killing me. This entire year has been me dealing with the emotions I tried to hide from the last time she was bad. I know that one day I’ll feel everything I’m not now and I don’t feel like I can do that again. It broke me so completely.

  4. I miss being close to someone. Physically close. I miss being held. I wish I could just tell that stupid boy that but that insinuates I have more feelings than I do. So I text “hey how are you” and eagerly await his nonchalant reply.

    I feel everything tremendously. I exaggerate in my mind and in my heart and I replay it over and over until I’ve made a suitable lie. He has fallen victim to such. And now I just want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up with my head on his chest listening to his heart and matching my breathing to the swaying of his lungs. I want it so badly it’s all I’ve thought about in the small of my mind for two months.

  5. 21:34 14th Aug 2014

    Notes: 1

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  6. Driving up north

    And my mom started talking about my little sister and her struggles with mental illness. It’s really heart breaking that it’s so prominent in our family.

  7. 13:44

    Notes: 1

    can I just buy lingerie and have that count as some strange crisis soother ?

  8. Me and my brother and me and my aunt.

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  11. 22:53 8th Aug 2014

    Notes: 3

    Tags: me

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  12. It feels like summer air and I just want to walk around

    With some people from my past.

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  14. 21:19

    Notes: 1

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  15. 21:18

    Notes: 1

    Hooked on a feeling

    There’s something about the way they blast music in the car. Once in a lifetime by talking heads envelops the scene, her ashy-blonde hair with streaks of purple toner tosses in the wind. Her hand loosely bent out the open window tickles the horizon. His eyes meet her eyes as the car stops at a light, their identical sunglasses almost kissing in the setting sun streaming through the dashboard.I stare down at my metallic nails in the backseat, feeling whole. Mesmerized by the way my peeling skin on my forearms looks like the ocean lapping upon the shore.

    Somehow these things encapsulate the moment. They tie it together and fill up that empty space I woke up with. That empty space that eats me whole as I ride the subway home alone. My left foot tingling from pins and needles. It’s screeching matches the sound the rails make because of the humidity. My mouth’s dryness becomes unbearable as I sit at the back of the subway car. I stare down at my metallic fingernails taping out these thoughts on the yellow background of the notes of my phone. My mind wandering away from interesting people that scarcely surround me.

    There is something about that music playing in that car that made me feel whole for a moment. Why is it so hard to feel that?