I saw my room mate from first year today. It took an hour after the scheduled meeting time for us to find each other. We walked for about four hours in circles around downtown, sometimes not even paying attention to where we were going. We laughed about first year’s memories, gossiped about people we’d gotten out of touch with and confided in each other reflections about our past year.
She has this mystical feeling about her. The way she moves and possesses the very moment she lives in. She’s articulate, poetic, over dramatic and incredibly light all simultaneously. Very intelligent, genuine person. She told me the secret to it is just to say to yourself “surrender.” not to surrender, and sometimes you don’t know what your’e surrendering to, but just to think it.
We talked today about my sensation searching as I put it. She’d had a brief romance with him, as I was aware of. One drunken night she confessed to me she was in love with him. She told me tonight that she often throws that around too loosely.
In talking about him, I found myself feeling similar to how I used to feel about him prior to what had happened between us. It’s just a bad feeling in my gut. Something wrong that I can’t put my finger on. On the one hand I always made excuses for his overly touchy feely nature, but I never liked it back then. And then I got swept away in the novel experience of being kissed, of being found sexually attractive, in feeling a body against my own. And I liked it, and I liked the way his hands felt on my body-they no longer made me uncomfortable. I wanted to be wrapped up in it.
But today I was reminded of how I used to feel and with him absent it was hard for me not to revert back to that. How do I merge the two perceptions of him? As an almost lover and as an acquaintance? Is it wrong to still want to see him when I return ? Even if I feel so confused ?
I just keep hearing my future room mate’s voice mockingly say “when he’s with someone he’s with them.” Her remarks on his less than normal polyamorous behaviour. With my old room mate’s story of him being heart broken about a girlfriend shortly after he’d seen me. The confirmation of the knowledge that he was probably seeing someone else was strange. I knew this was possible and probable during and am not bothered by it, yet It’s strange to think of. He truly did devote his energy towards me when with me, but I’m fooled easily. Casual hooksups are a strange world I am investigating.
If you can sleep with one person why settle for less with another? My insecurities about my lack of experience show in this question. I find myself so locked in, it’s hard to just surrender. I can be easy going and follow along, but even then it’s as if I’m tightly wound and watching everyone else live in the moment.